“What would be my spontaneous attitude toward the universe? It’s a very dark one. The first thesis would have been a kind of total vanity: there is nothing, basically. I mean it quite literally, like ultimately… there are just some fragments, some vanishing things. If you look at the universe, it’s one big void. But then: how do things emerge? Here I feel a kind of spontaneous affinity with quantum physics, where the idea is that the universe is a void, but a kind of positively charged void, and then particular things appear when the balance of the void is disturbed.

“I like this idea of spontaneity very much, the fact that it’s not just nothing. Things are out there – it means something went terribly wrong, that what we call creation is a kind of cosmic imbalance, cosmic catastrophe: things exist by mistake. And I’m even ready to go to the end and to claim that the only way to counteract this is to assume the mistake and go to the end. And we have a name for this: it’s called love.

“Isn’t love precisely this kind of a cosmic imbalance? I was always disgusted with this notion of ‘I love the world,’ ‘universal love’ – I don’t like the world. Basically, I’m somewhere in between ‘I hate the world’ or ‘I’m indifferent towards it.’ But the whole of reality, it’s just it: it’s stupid. It is out there. I don’t care about it.

Love, for me, is an extremely violent act. Love is not ‘I love you all’ Love means I pick out something… Even if this something is just a small detail, a fragile individual person, I say ‘I love you more than anything else.’ In this quite formal sense, love is evil.”

-Slavoj Zizek

He took the words right out of my mouth.

I know I’m not pathologically misanthropic where I go to great lengths to manifest and actualize my disgust and loathing towards the world in real life and intentionally hurt other people in the process but that doesn’t make me any better, I still operate on the same level. I just learned how to mitigate it through channeling it on a more “socially acceptable” avenues. I turn to music, literature, or even science, and hopefully create something until I’m distracted enough to forget that I think human beings are just a disgusting excuse of a species and every other excessively inane things we do to each other for the same idiotic reasons not even worth mentioning about. You see, I just had to disperse it somewhere else lest it will consume me and who knows what else I’m capable of.

Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means hysterical about it in real life. This is just me thinking aloud in text form. As thinking (as in philosophizing) is one selfish act I indulge in from time to time. Nevertheless I am not a “nice person.” At least I have the decency to admit it than pretend to be “a friend to everybody.” I am civil enough to let people know I am a threat to their optimistic bubble so they can avoid me and I won’t have to do the avoiding part. Win-win situation. I may think people are disgusting but I respect their right to live in whatever delusional idea that works for them as I also have picked mine.

I think at this point in life where I am as jaded as any 20-something person (maybe even relatively more), anyone who tells me to “cheer up” in that auspiciously naive manner can basically fuck off. There is really nothing to be happy about living on the same planet populated by idiots more so the ones with diplomas and PhD’s. It’s a world run by a bunch of self-destructive individuals and our due is up sooner than we have ever projected.

As I said, I am not the kind of person who just puts myself out there. I don’t really have that much energy to keep up with a large social circle. I do know A LOT of people and I know a number of people who recognize me but I only consider them as acquaintances. I don’t readily make myself available to people but when I do, I am fairly dedicated to the ones I opened up myself to as they have acknowledged and hopefully appreciate how much effort it is for me to show my vulnerability to them. But it’s mutual most of the time so it’s just fair.  While I’m skeptical as I’ve ever been, when someone gained my trust, I know I can trust them with my life. Contrary to my general vantage point, I do have long term friends whom I love. They stayed with me and I with them. Point is, I don’t do things halfheartedly. I love passionately and hate with the same intensity. Though we are responsible for how we manage our emotions, love is a process that is beyond anyone’s control. It’s a chaotic process and you can only do nothing but go with the chaos and hope things will make sense in the long run. It’s a paradox but isn’t life made up of contradictions anyway?